Here is a secret about PinkDogDem: she is a Melania fangirl! Hi Melania!!! It’s me! *waves furiously* Sometimes politics is more than ideology. It’s about who you want standing next to your Commander and Chief if the Veep shoots somebody in the face by accident or something. I am looking at you, Elizabeth Warren.
Maybe it’s just because your life is such a great story. Born in a tiny town in Yugoslavia, you made your way out into the world as a model of the scantily clad variety and became a U.S. Citizen who rubbed shoulders with the richest of Manhattanites. Certainly you could not have done that on looks alone. It took chutzpah at the very least. And if it also took sleeping your way to the top, well what’s more American than that? And now you are married to the soon to be Republican party nominee for president of the United States, you know that party that has decided to take on the eradication of pornography as part of its party platform? You don’t give a shit about the Republican Party Platform, do you? Hell, pornography made you what you are today! You show them, Melania! You just go right ahead and be the First First Lady Pinup Girl. Nobody is going to complain about your arms being bare at State Functions. They’ll just be relieved you wore clothes.
We can’t all be Ivy League educated lawyers, right? Some of us are just born to be supermodels instead. What about us, huh? Do we not deserve representation? “She’s elegant,” cried sister Melania fans at the convention. Unlike some first ladies who shall remain nameless. “Michelle Obama is not elegant, no,” said a delegate from Omaha. “She’s too outspoken. And she doesn’t like America. She and her husband don’t like America.” Melania, I know you like America, you fashion diva, you. It is agreed that you dress very nicely, when you dress at all, and you actually scrabbled your way to America from a working class commie background –that’s right, COM-MIE- take that GOP–rather than your ancestors being forcibly kidnapped and enslaved into forced labor for 200 years. See? American elegance at it’s finest.
So maybe you didn’t actually graduate from college like you said you did. I’m sure at the time you said that, you had no idea that the truth would ever actually be expected from you or the Donald. Who knew he’d ever be held accountable for anything he said? We’re talking Celebrity Apprentice level of trustworthiness here. Why don’t you just keep that pretty certificate one of his aids typed up for you in 2005? Shhhh. It will be our little secret. Who would believe you’d put a fake degree in a $12,000 frame anyway?
And I think it’s a pretty big deal to get up in front of the whole country and give a speech in your second language while not sweating. I know there has been some criticism that you plagiarized Michelle’s 2008 speech, but don’t you worry. If I had to write a speech like that, I am sure I would google “successful convention speeches by future first ladies,” too. Unless you were lying about writing that speech.
That part isn’t a lie is it? Tell me it isn’t so! “He’s never going to give you up”? That’s some weird Slavic construction, right? It must mean “he’s never going to give up on you, you unworthy peons” or “he’s never going to relinquish control over you people until he is cold and dead.” Something like that….You’d never let some random speech writer take all the credit for Rickrolling the entire country, would you now? That would not be elegant.
Note to the speechwriter who just got away with Rickrolling the entire country: Please email me. I’d like to buy you a beer. Possibly a keg.