I’ve been divorced for a few years now, so I think it’s time to offer up some advice to those of you who may find yourselves newly single, especially if it’s been a while. First of all, congratulations! Secondly, don’t panic. I’m here for you. You’re going to be fine.
10 Things I Learned About Being Single
Make your space your own. You’re probably on a budget, but that’s ok. If you want to put up a Blade Runner poster in your dining room, no one can stop you. Yes, I really do have a Blade Runner poster in my dining room. And also the one with the UFO that says,” I want to believe.” Buy the bright purple sheets and the dishes that don’t match if they make you happy. You may have no one to welcome you home but your teddy bear, so give him a place of honor so he can greet you properly.
Men expect to pay on dates. Last time I was dating was college, and everyone was poor, so dates usually involved splitting the check. Since that time, I graduated (several times), took time off to raise children, and currently make a good deal less than most men do. So I’m not going to complain about a man picking up the check. If you really want to pay your way, be prepared to offend your date. He will take it as a sign you do not want to pursue the relationship. But you should make bad dates pay, too, so at least you get dinner. You can always reject them through text later. There may be some regional variation here. Please let us know if everyone goes dutch where you live.
It’s ok to do things by yourself. If you’ve never been to a movie or a decent restaurant by yourself, it’s time to indulge. It won’t be as awkward as you think it will be. Everyone else will be minding their own business, and you won’t have to share the popcorn.
While you’re at it, take a trip by yourself. Even if it’s just a mini vacation. Take the opportunity to speak to strangers on motorcycles with frightening tattoos and sleep in the very middle of the hotel’s King Size bed (or the biker’s bed; I won’t judge). Wear something slinky to the hotel bar and your pajamas to breakfast the next morning.
Men are not condom savvy. What is up with that, guys? It would be nice if men took care of this little detail on their own so they got the brand and size they like, but don’t count on it. Prepare to pack your own and to speak up and ask him to wear one. Practice in front of the mirror. “Sheath it or shove it.”
Do you remember when you first left home and you got to eat oreos and cheese out of the can for dinner and no one would know? You can still do that! Only now it’s better because you can also have tequila.
Go out on dates with men who don’t seem right for you. Last time you chose for yourself, you sucked, didn’t you? So give the guy who is too young or too old or too short or drives a Gremlin a shot at showing you a good time. Unless you want to stay home with Mr. Fluffernutter. You can always stay home with Mr. Fluffernutter.
There are things you loved that you gave up when you were partnered. This is the nature of compromise, but you don’t have to compromise anymore, so take some time to remember what those things were and reincorporate them into your life. For me it was the color green, loud synthpop, and rotel. You can (and should) put rotel in everything. It even goes with oreos and cheez whiz. And tequila.
Meeting men is really hard. You probably don’t want to hang out where single men hang out (I still don’t know where that is), so concentrate on making friends who you like and let them set you up. Also, try online dating. See A Year of Online Dating PinkDogDem Style.
Parking is way better than when you were 16. And seriously, what is the cop going to do if you get caught, call your Dad? He’s not going to ground you from Florida.